Saturday, April 20, 2013

Some Sentences, One Outcome (Unless I hedge), I lose or I Win.



2013 NBA Playoff Predictions

The West

Rockets, Thunder
The Thunder win in 6 games.  James Harden will torch the Thunder the whole time; however, Westbrook and Durant will torch the Rockets the whole time too.  Omer Asik will have to cover two people and Serge Ibaka will only have to cover one man.  The Rockets get their two wins because Harden goes off one game and system teams always earn an extra win (Jack threes, run fast, aggressive switching, don’t settle for midrange shots).

Clippers, Grizzles
Memphis will win in 5 games.  Memphis is just too tough and has big men that have skill instead of brute retard strength.  The biggest factor is going to be all the 4 on 5 situations Memphis is placed in because Baby Blake and Dad Paul are telling referees to “suck it” metaphorically.   Chris Paul is a wizard though and wizards always win, but they eventually run out of powers, so I give him enough power points to win one game. 

Spurs, Lakers
The Lakers win in 7.  This is the upset series.  I love Tim Duncan, but the uptick in minutes against Dwight Howard is going to do damage to him.  Eventually, Howard will have to be double teamed which will lead to the new form of 1 in, 4 out ball:  1 in, 1 trying to get in, and 3 out.  Pau Gasol is going to be trying to get into the post but will honestly be stuck around the foul line.  This is going to help Howard out by being an outlet pass to a smart man that can make the right pass to an open three shooter.  Pau Gasol is going to systematically destroy Greg Popovich’s defensive rotations.

Calm down, I'm only dismantling Popovich

Nuggets, Warriors
Nuggets win in 4 games.  The Nuggets love to run. The Warriors also loves to run.  Do you remember the shitty Warriors of last year?  They are the same team as this year, but they didn’t play defense by slowing down their pace.  The Nuggets are going to turn this game into a race.  The Nuggets know how to run this race while the Warriors don’t.  The Warriors are going to trick themselves into losing. 

The East, I don’t care about them at all and haven’t really watched any of their games, can you tell?

Miami, Bucks
Miami will win in 4.  LeBron James. LeBron James.  LeBron James.  Dwayne Wade.  Shane Battier.  Ray Allen.  Chris Anderson.  This team feels like it is super stacked because it is.  It’s the opposite of a feel good team of semi has beens (these are players I grew up secretly loving, but feeling bad for loving) like the Mavericks that won in 2011 (Shawn Marion, Jason Kidd, JET).

Nets, Bulls
Bulls will win in 6 games.  I can’t find a reason to pick either of these teams.  The Nets have more superstar power sort of, but the Bulls have a precise system.  Hopefully, Joakim Noah is back to stop Brook Lopez.  Otherwise, that paint is going to open up like a malnourished bums mouth opens for booze.  Brook Lopez will pour like Colt 45 into that rim if Noah is out.

Knicks, Boston
Boston will hopefully win in 6.  One time I tried to shave a moustache like Carmelo Anthony’s.  You have to actually shave above your moustache.  I felt like an asshole while I did this and even looked like one afterwards.  What’s this have to do with anything you ask?  I’m going to give Boston the benefit of any doubt I had because Carmelo made me feel like an asshole that one time.  Jeff Green can cover Carmelo Anthony, while Paul Pierce can pick apart the Knicks defense.  I’ve watched some of the Knicks game and their defense is weird because they cover the paint and the three line.  They don’t get suckered into covering the worst shot in the game, the midrange jumper.  That’s the shot the Celtics make coincidently.  The Celtics defense is also very solid with no weak people aside from Jet.
 
Shaq's working on my catchphrase right now, "Can you shave it?"

Pacers, Atlanta
The Pacers will win in 4.  I haven’t watched much of either of these teams, but I know that Roy Hibbert is a defensive beast along with the rest of that team.  Atlanta was good for two streaks if my memory is right, but I don’t trust Josh Smith or Al Horford.  They may be better than their opposing Pacer counterparts, but they aren’t pick apart a whole defense better. 

Conference Finals Predictions:

West:
Nuggets, Thunder
East:
Miami, Pacers

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